Dear Issuesgirl,

My boyfriend is a very passive guy. However, he is extremely talented and about to get a PhD. He has been applying to jobs online and has gotten zero response. I told him that his best bet was to try to get a job through contacts who already have jobs. It worked! He got his one and only interview because he knew someone that worked at the company.

The problem is that he feels that he's done all that he can and now he has to sit back and let the company come to him. They haven't contacted him in almost two weeks. I've encouraged him to be more aggressive in letting the company know that he wants that job – writing thank-yous, calling to check back every week or so, and just generally keeping his name in the air. He won't do any of it. I'm getting really frustrated because he is sad it doesn't look like he'll get the job--even though they LOVED him and thought he was brilliant.

His passivity is driving me crazy. The question is, how do I either 1) get him to be more aggressive on the job search, or 2) get myself to let go of trying to push him?  

Signed,

Frustrated  

 

 

 

Dear Frustrated,  

It's true your advice does follow the conventional line of thought when it comes to career development. I think a lot of people would be frustrated in your shoes. You see his fabulous potential and fear he's going to miss our on a great opportunity.

However. You can't make Dr. Boyfriend do anything he doesn't want to do. You are in charge of your own actions, and he is in charge of his. Yes, you were right about how to get an interview. Congratulations. You are probably right about the follow-up, too. But you are not his career advisor, you are his girlfriend. You've said your piece, and that's all you can do. He's got to make his own choices and his own mistakes.

You're not alone in trying to change your man – women all over the world are trying the same thing right now. I made the same mistake once when I tried to make my computer-nerd ex-boyfriend into a gym rat. He passed out right there on the gym floor.

I know, I know. Not the same thing. But the point is that we should never assume we know better than someone else does about how to conduct his or her own life. Yes, his career decisions will affect you, if you are planning a future together, and if Dr. Boyfriend can't get his act together in the long run, you'll have some decisions to make. In the meantime, have a little patience and faith that he's smart enough to eventually figure it all out. After all, he'll have a PhD.

Humbly yours,

Issuesgirl