Issuesgirl™ Rants!

On men being jerks.

"If I did the same thing to him, he would end it between us."

By far, the majority of the letters written to Issuesgirl are from women who are hooked on some guy who is being a complete jerk. Someday, I'm going to write my first Issuesgirl book about why it's okay to demand more of our men, and to walk away from those who don't live up to the standard. In the meantime, here's my rant.

But before I go on, let me say that this is NOT man-bashing. This is jerk-bashing. I love men, and I know a lot of the good ones. This is not about them. Okay. So having said that...

It comes down to this: Love is action, not a feeling. I don't give a crap who tells you they love you. Anyone from a drunk stranger to your grey-haired grandma can say those three words. They mean different things to different people, and for some, they mean nothing at all. Your man should not get any credit just for saying them. Maybe he has love-type feelings for you too. Big deal. Feelings and words don't matter one bit if the actions don't back it up. Real men who have real love show it, repeatedly and reliably. I am not talking about buying diamond rings, expensive shoes, or trips to the South Pacific. I'm talking about treating you with care and respect. Helping you when you need it. Showing affection. Spending quality time with you. Building a life with you. Giving you the same priority that you give to him. This is not too much to ask!

So please, ladies, I'm begging you. Don't put up with inconsiderate, abusive, or deceitful behavior. He wouldn't tolerate it from you, would he? Hold him to the same standard to which you hold yourself. Have you ever thought, “If this situation were reversed, and I did this instead of him, it would be over”? Husbands staying out all night with weak explanations. Boyfriends missing birthday parties. And yet we continue to put up with it, because… well, I'm not sure why. That is a question you have to answer for yourself. Maybe it's the fear of being alone, or maybe you're worried you can't make ends meet without him. Maybe you think after so many years together, you can't walk away. But, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! Don't tolerate a partner who abuses you (even verbally), lies to you, is unkind, cheats on you, or is completely insensitive to your needs and desires. There are plenty of men in this world who don't act like that, I promise. And there will be more of them if we all stop putting up with this bad behavior!

On women being ashamed of their bodies.

“I can't be seen in public wearing a bathing suit, not like this.”

Really? I know we've all been a little brainwashed by the airbrushing and anorexia of Hollywood. But please don't let their nonsense dictate your life! You should not let the unfair standards of the entertainment industry prevent you from having a fabulous time, whatever you want to do - swim, ski, lounge, etc. And let's be completely honest here... no one is paying that much attention to you. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you are not Paris, JLo, or Posh. There won't be any photos of your cellulite on perezhilton.com or in US Weekly, and there won't be a report card at the end of the day to rate your appearance. Unless you are in the 100 lbs-to-lose club, no one will probably look twice at you.You are the only one who really cares! And yes, we should all care about how we look. It's important to take pride in one's appearance, get into shape and look one's best… but if you gained five or ten pounds on that cruise last month, are you really going to let that stop you from enjoying your summer? Stop being so concerned, go out there with your SPF on, and have a good time relaxing in the sun.

Oh, and one more related thought: A similar thing I hate to hear girls say is “I can't wear that lingerie he bought me, my _____ is/are too fat.” Sweetie, if he bought it for you, he wants to see you in it. Part of what makes you a woman, and not a dude, is that big butt, or thick thighs, or the extra layer of feminine softness. Where you see cellulite, he sees curves. So, if you don't feel confident in that lacy teddy, fake it until you do. You'll be glad you did.

What do you think? Comment here!

On open communication in relationships.

How many times have you heard – or said – that kind of thing? We hear over and over that "open" communication is the real key to a happy marriage or relationship. But I am so sick of hearing this! It’s simply not true.

Of course you need to be able to communicate. I’m not saying you should stop talking about the important stuff, or even that you shouldn’t fight. But not everything needs to be discussed, or even said aloud! You want a happy relationship? Here’s my big relationship secret: BE NICE TO EACH OTHER.

Does this seem obvious? It does to me. But what I find is that people, over time, start to treat their life partners in a way they would never treat their friends, their coworkers, or even strangers. And this is supposed to be the person you love and cherish most in your life? C’mon, be nice!

Couples can say the meanest things to each other, in the name of “honest communication.” But usually this is more about venting our own feelings than actually communicating a need or discussing a problem. If I ask my husband, do I look fat in this? I probably do. Does he know better than to say so? Absolutely. Because he knows at that moment I probably need some reassurance, not a kick in the pants. Or, when his wacky driving habits are pushing my buttons, I might decide it’s best to bite my tongue and hang onto that oh sh*t-handle. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your marriage is just shut your mouth.

Not that you should be a pushover or a kiss-ass. You still have needs, concerns, disagreements, things that are going to upset you, and things that you want to talk about, even fight about. It’s okay. Go ahead and fight. Just please be respectful! If you can’t be respectful, go take a break until you can. How would you disagree with a friend, or a co-worker? I’m sure you wouldn’t speak to her as though they were a child, or bring up every little mistake she has ever made.

Now, I won’t take all the credit for this idea. Dr. John Gottman, an expert on marital therapy, would also tell you to be nice. He has found, through years of research, that it is not fighting that ruins relationships, or a lack of communication per se, but hammering one another with contempt and criticism that really does you in. (I highly recommend his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.) Similar ideas are presented by Dr. Paul Pearsall (see my book review). He tells us to stop worrying so much about feeling and expressing our own feelings, and instead, start paying attention to the concerns of those around us.

So please. Stop hurting one another in the name of communication. For the sake of your children, your in-laws, your friends – and most importantly, that one person to whom you have committed yourself, above all others – be respectful.

Be nice.

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