Dear Issuesgirl,

I've been having this problem for years now and I really think that I must do something about it now. I am 35 years old and married. I knew a woman when I was 25 years old who was older than me (10 years) on my workplace. I had a big crush for her, it was only physical. Left the place I was working and went abroad to study for 5 years. All that time I did think about her but it was not an obsession. When I completed my studies, I was given opportunity to work the same place where the woman was. And it all started again but I never proposed her.

In the meantime, I met another girl - also at the workplace who is now my wife - and we got married.

3 years back the discussion between the co-worker and I took a different approach, as we were joking about how I liked her and other things a bit more personal as sex. I felt confident and I proposed her (while my wife was on maternity leave). She told me that she likes to “talk,” but that she is not that kind of woman (who would sleep around - which is a complete lie, as her husband divorced her because she was sleeping with another man with whom she is living now). I didn't give up and kept pushing her. At times, I could feel that she would almost give up and accept my proposal, but then the next day she would change her mind.

Last year in June, I left the place I was working. So I don't see her anymore, but she's still on my mind. I tried to call her back in July and August last year, but she didn't want to talk to me. Back in January I sent her a gift, but she returned it to me. I haven't talked to her since then, but she is still on my mind and in my dreams. I know she is having a lot of problems with the guy she is living with for the moment, because of her son (from her previous wedding). I really need some advice. PLEASE HELP ME.

Signed,

Wanting the Older Woman

 

Dear Wanting,

Where do I begin?!

First of all, you are MARRIED. Do you remember taking any vows? Maybe you need to review your wedding video. It's amazing to me that your wife is a side note in your letter. Not to mention that you tried to cheat on her while she was at home with a newborn, going through one of the most difficult transitions in life. You should have been worrying about how your wife and child were doing, and not about getting some side action at the office. Sorry if I sound harsh, but grow up! You have been entertaining this crush on Older Chick for years, but that doesn't justify being a cheating dog. Get over it. Married people have crushes all the time, and the smart ones don't act on them.

And anyway, this lady apparently doesn't want anything to do with you. She didn't respond to two phone calls, or a gift… the message is clear. You thought that just because Older Chick cheated on her ex-husband, that she would cheat on her current boyfriend with you? That's kind of presumptuous, don't you think? You better cut it out before she files a restraining order.

Older Chick is in your mind & dreams because she represents what you're not getting at home. People typically seek out affairs because they are missing something in their current relationship. Maybe you are not getting laid enough, or your wife and you aren't as close as you used to be. Whatever it is, you need to figure it out with your wife. Find a good marriage therapist and invest in your family.  

Humbly yours,

Issuesgirl